Sorry if this is a vent - I need to get this off my chest. As it is currently feeling weighed down with pain and ache that people would judge me on this.
The first two week's of Aaden's life were the best and worst two weeks of my life. I had this adorable, precious little baby who was being cared for by nurses in the NICU, not Aaron and I. It killed me that the stories you hear of people bringing their babies home and showing them off to visitors in the hospital were not going to be our stories. It ached that I had to balance the pain of having a NICU baby, with the raging hormone's and trying to fulfil other's expectations for me at the same time. Let's not even get started on my Mother's and my in-law's feelings about not getting to hold or visit their new grandson whenever they pleased.
I was struggling to say the least. My world as I had known it had changed. Being a brand-spanking new parent was tough regardless, then add the rest of the dilemmas to it and I was coming apart at the seams. While I loved being at the hospital with my son 24/7, I was missing my home, and my "normal" life. I barely left the four walls of the hospital over a 2 week period. I can not begin to explain what that does to someones mental state.
With the suprise (early) arrival I had a ton of loose ends to tie up. The nursery wasn't ready, the house wasn't clean, my bags weren't packed.. so on and so forth. I figured I would have at least another 2 weeks at work to formally hand most of my stuff off to my boss.
(Side note - I'm a controller at a large construction company. I have 16 direct reports and I oversee ALL of the financial aspects of this 7 company business. I had a TON of stuff on my plate - not to mention we were about to close the busiest month of our year - August.)
The whole time I was in the hospital, I was feeling terrible that I left my place of employment in such a mess. Not that I had any control - I just wish that I could help it. (Totally Type A here!) I was in the midst of two large projects and trying to communicate in any down-time I had at the hospital (ha). I managed to go into the office to put an "out of office" up, hand off my projects and update my boss the first chance I had. Which also happened to be the second day Aaden was home.
I was ELATED that Aaden was home - but I was also completely drowning in the change of life and feeling completely helpless to care for my infant. I needed some fresh air and a small piece of time to focus on me. I wanted to get into work to take care of the above projects/"stuff" but I also needed that time and that familiar setting to feel like "me" again. I felt so helpless in the hospital, and it was nice to be in control again, if even for a few hours.
I took the next 3 weeks to fully be at home - to love and care for my new son and to find our new "normal." After those 3 weeks, work was in the midst of tax planning for year-end (my responsibility again) and another month end. I offered to come in for a partial day to help out - since my boss was struggling to do his job, mine and manage all my staff.
I don't feel bad for saying this - but I loved getting out of the house. I loved the adult interaction and the familiarity of work. I talked to Aaron and we decided to arrange our schedules so 1 day a week I could go into work for 6 hours to help get stuff done. I thought I was being generous with my time ( to my company), but I also felt great knowing I would have some of my own time at work. The days at home were great, but they were a struggle to feel like I was "accomplishing" enough. That's why I craved my time at work. It was normal, comfortable and I could focus and knock things off the giant to-do list waiting for me.
Back to the reason for this post - I learned today that some of my employees thought that my 6 hours/week away were wrong. They commented that I was a "horrible Mom" and should know better. That since I had a preemie, that I should have devoted every second to every day taking care of him. The part that gets me is that I was. Mom's need time for themselves too - so they can be a great Mom. If they don't have their own time, they can't be fully present for their kids. These women that thought these horrible things of me are Mom's themselves.
Obviously I'm upset and hurt by their words. But really, it's none of their business. They didn't live this, and I feel I made the best decisions for me. These few hours a week that I worked earned me extra (paid) maternity leave with my son.
I went to college, passed my CPA test and worked (really) hard to be where I am today. I don't want to be viewed as that "slacker" that has kids and lets my work focus fade away. I understand that while I'm at work I need to be present there - but I also make time to be home and "present" there. I have a wonderful husband, who is the BEST father! He is working a lighter load, so I can continue to balance my career with my family. It's a tough balance, and I feel like I'm still working on it. Every day gets a little easier (until this week when Aaden started daycare!).
What do other Mom's do? How do you find the balance? And more importantly - how you you handle the negative opinions?
And of course - a photo of my little man!
